No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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