i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
