come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
