I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
