My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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