So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
