He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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