you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
