At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
