i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
