i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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