if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
