did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
