I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
