eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
