omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Randomize
