remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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