Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
