When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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