My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
