did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
