at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
