all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
