Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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