Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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