i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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