How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
