It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have feelings that need drinking.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
