im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
