I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
