Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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