you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
