Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
