I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
