I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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