I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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