come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
