I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
