I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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