I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
