She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's just like the Real World with babies
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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