I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
