How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
