I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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