Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you didnt know i had herpes?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
