I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
