Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
