I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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