we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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