Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
