I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize