I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
