Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
this hospital has no fireball
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
