i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
