Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
