I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
